The subtle onset: Understanding verbal abuse in relationships

Welcome to the third installment in our series exploring the progressive nature of abuse in relationships. Following our discussions on economic violence and financial manipulation, we now turn our attention to verbal abuse, often the first sign of deeper relational issues. This post aims to deepen your understanding of how seemingly innocuous comments can escalate into significant emotional harm.

In a previous post, we shared a case where Emmanuela's partner subjected her to routine insults, threats, and constant criticism, significantly affecting her self-esteem and mental well-being. This case vividly illustrates the insidious nature of verbal abuse. Often dismissed as just words, these verbal attacks profoundly impacted her, eroding her confidence and laying the groundwork for more severe abuse.

Reflecting on this, I conducted a personal experiment to identify aspects of verbal abuse in my own experiences. Surprisingly, many behaviours that we might not initially label as abusive turned out to be just that. It is a common misconception that such dynamics are normal aspects of relationships or married life. I encourage you to try this yourself and see. The results may change how you view the dynamics of your own relationships.

What is verbal abuse?

Verbal abuse constitutes any use of words intended to demean, belittle, or control another person.

How does verbal abuse manifest and what are its impacts?

Verbal abuse can manifest in various ways, including insults, name-calling, criticism, threats, intimidation, and humiliation, all of which have profound emotional and psychological impacts on the victim.

Examples of verbal abuse

Insults and criticism

Mark frequently used derogatory terms to belittle his wife, Christine’s intelligence, appearance, and abilities. When Christine secured a position with the FAO, Mark undermined her confidence by questioning her suitability for the role, suggesting she was not a good fit for the UN and calling her unintelligent. Doubting her capabilities, Christine declined the opportunity, later becoming a stay-at-home mother. After several years, Mark left her. Despite holding an MBA, Christine struggled to re-enter the professional world and eventually took a position as an assistant to a corporate president.

Constant criticism and blame

Andrew relentlessly criticised Asha, blaming her for every issue. He never appreciated her efforts; everything from the food being too salty or not cooked right, to household utilities being disconnected due to unpaid bills, which he would blame on Asha for not reminding him to pay. He frequently commented negatively on her appearance and blamed her for their children's minor ailments and misbehaviours, calling her a bad mother.

Threats and intimidation

Threats can range from harm to oneself or others to threats of ruining someone's reputation, all used to instil fear and maintain control. The examples below illustrate how threats and intimidation can be used to exert control and instil fear in a partner, creating a toxic and abusive environment. Recognising these behaviours is crucial for seeking help and support.

Threats of harming you, others or themselves

• "If you ever leave me, I will ensure you regret it."

• "I will injure you if you do not comply with my demands."

• "You will regret speaking to him/her again."

• "Should you disclose our issues, I will inflict harm on your family."

• "Your friends will suffer if you disobey me."

• "I will kill the pet if you continue to argue with me."

• "If you abandon me, I will take my own life, and you will be to blame."

• "I will harm myself if you do not meet my needs."

Threats to ruin your reputation

• "I will expose your secrets to everyone unless you obey me."

• "If you leave me, I will post those private photos online."

• "I will fabricate stories about you to your employer to ensure your dismissal."

• "I will have you arrested if you attempt to leave."

• "I will financially destroy you if you choose to leave."

Humiliation as a tool of abuse

Public humiliation

• Insulting your intelligence in front of others: “You are so stupid, it is astonishing you are a consultant/ doctor/ engineer/ architect!”

• Mocking your appearance at significant events: "Is that what you call party attire? It is no wonder everyone is staring."

• Belittling competence at social gatherings: "She is incompetent; did you know she failed her driving test three times?"

• Deriding capabilities during family events: "He cannot even manage the generator; what a useless man."

• Criticising clumsiness in everyday situations: "She behaves like a child, always so clumsy."

• Denigrating parenting in front of family: "She is a terrible mother.” “He contributes nothing to household upkeep."

Private humiliation

• Disparaging professional achievements: "You only secured that role because you are having an affair with the client."

• Criticising personal decisions: "Your taste is appalling. Why did you choose such a cheap item?"

• Belittling remarks: "You are so foolish; you can never do anything right."

• Unfavourable comparisons: "Why cannot you be more like Enid? She is an excellent wife."

• Body shaming: "You have gained too much weight. Look at your belly."

• Sexual humiliation: "You are terrible in bed; you do not satisfy me."

The broad impacts of verbal abuse

The impact of verbal abuse can be profound, often going unnoticed until it reaches severe levels of toxicity. Many people do not seek professional help, either dismissing it as a minor issue or not recognising it as abuse. Victims frequently develop low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. They may become socially withdrawn and experience physical symptoms related to stress, such as headaches and gastrointestinal issues.  Read more.

Addressing verbal abuse

1. The first step in combating verbal abuse is acknowledging its presence. Victims and their support networks must take the signs seriously.

2. Clearly communicate to your partner what language is unacceptable and insist that these boundaries are respected. . This may involve firm conversations or, in severe cases, distancing from the abuser.

3. Engaging with counselling services or support groups can provide necessary emotional support and practical strategies to handle the abuse.

4. In severe cases, consider taking legal action. Many countries have specific laws against harassment and abuse.

Concluding reflections at Nite Tanzarn IntellectNest

Verbal abuse is frequently dismissed as mere harsh words, yet its impacts are profound and damaging. It erodes self-esteem, induces chronic stress, and leaves lasting scars that are often invisible to others. These effects are far-reaching and can significantly alter a person's well-being.

Let us not underestimate the power of words. It is crucial that we recognise verbal abuse for what it is—a serious issue that demands our attention and action. Speak out against it, support those affected, and take steps to create environments where respect and kindness are the norm.

In our next post, we will explore how verbal abuse can escalate into emotional manipulation, further complicating the dynamics of abuse. Stay tuned for more insights on how to identify and counter these harmful behaviours.